【作文批改】4.5分：基础不够扎实，需多练习！

简要回答

重要的是要在笔记本里有这么一页专门用来列举(brainstorming)所有的这些角度，写作或者阅读的时候，想到或者看见了新的角度要写进这一页里，经常使用的角度要标为,重点考试的时候就不会绞尽脑汁也不知道有什么可以写了，可以一口气写出好几个从不同角度出发的论点，然后进一步构思如何论述，选择比较容易论述的论点就好。

【作文批改】4.5分：基础不够扎实，需多练习！

详细内容

• 01

  今天来看看这位同学发来作文，主题是 传统食物与快餐 。基础不够扎实，所以有点跑题，小毛病也比较多，小伙伴们可以看看老师是怎样批改的，这些问题说不定就是你经常犯的哦~~多看看别人的问题，可以及时改正自己的错误，要时时关注我们啦。
  
  
  In many countries traditional food is being replaced by international fast food. This has negative effects on both families and societies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
  
  These days the boom of fast food at astounding pace attracts people s reflection of their daily diet.[b1] I reckon that we had better get rid of the control of fast food as soon as possible.
  题目是 快餐取代传统食物对家庭和社会有负面影响 ，而不是表达的是 快餐对家庭和社会有负面影响 ，所以审题要清楚。显然，你在表明观点的时候只是来说明fast food，有些偏题。
  
  
  Firstly, it is widely perceived that fast food does harm to our body. With the ingredients arealways simple and less nutritious[b2] , fast food cannot meet our enormous demands for several kinds of nutrition, while can provide[b3] large amount of[b4] fat and sugar. For instance, the typical example of fast food---French Fries, which is cooked only by potatoes and oil[b5] , are regarded as a main cause of obesity and even proved to lead to cancer. A broken body can not only have destructive impact on one s life but also the productivity of our workforce, because of the lack of energy.
  
  Another problem is that fast food severely reduces the time beingspent on communication among relatives. Fast food is named after its convenience, which means chances are people can have a meal within 15 min[b6] . By contrast, cooking and having a traditional meal needs at least 1 hour, and people can embrace the opportunity to accompany with their family[b7] or even colleagues in kitchen as well as on table[b8] , sharing anecdotes, feelings and experiences. In this way, people can ease their strain, build a close relationship with their families and even to a large extent, build a closely-knit community that consists of millions of families and companies.
  
  Overall I believe the oligopoly of several kinds of international fast food in restaurant industry has extremely limited advantages towards[b9] the masses both in physical and mental sides. It s the right time to focus back to traditional food even though fast food is suitable for hectic lives in urban area.
  
  [b1]这句话的表达不地道，改为These days, fast food is
  booming at an astounding pace, making people reflect on their dietary habit.
  [b2]with的结构没有掌握清楚，with后面不能跟完整的句子
  [b3]改为 only providing
  [b4]amount的用法一般是：a large amount of或者large amounts of [b4]
  [b5]这里表达的意思应该是油炸土豆，made of fried potatoes
  [b6]这句话完全不通顺，把chances are去掉，min用复数mins
  [b7]families
  [b8]at table在餐桌边，在进餐
  [b9]用benefits to
  
  
  点评：
  
  1. 文章的开头部分和第二段的论证有些偏题，没有紧扣题目，后面两段回归到题目上。文章应该紧扣的是传统食物和快餐。所以考试的时候审题非常重要。
  2. 有些句子的表达仍然有些欠缺，有个别句子表达不地道，词汇使用有所提高。要注意一些小的语法点不要出错，注意单复数，固定短语，以及一些固定结构。
  3. 开头部分写得不是很吸引人，应注意提高开头部分的写作，看一些好的作文，吸取一些经验。
  
  得分：4.5
  
  
  附批改原图：
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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